Captions for Paul's 100 Deaf jokes.

Translated by David Bar-Tzur

Created 26 July 2007, links updated monthly with the help of LinkAlarm.

Below are translations of Paul's 100 Gehörlosenwitze [Paul's 100 Deaf jokes.] Go to this link and click on the magnifying glass under each cartoon to enlarge it. I don't find these hilarious, but they are interesting commentaries on deafness, on the order of a political cartoon.

1. "Typically Deaf!"

2. "This way I will never forget our love!"

3. "Look, headmaster, we have been practicing the letter "A" for the last hour-and-a half..."

4. "It's better if I sign my sins. That way the pastor won't understand me."

5. "To develop more sensitive hands, I recommend that you learn Sign Language."

6. Patient: "Suppose the CI operation is a failure, professor? What then?" Surgeon: "Don't worry. You won't feel a thing."

7. Boy at left (signing): "Help, there's been a terrible accident? Call the paramedics immediately!" Woman at right: "Klaus, slow down! Speak clearly and stop signing!"

8. (The students are presumably hearing.) "I can't understand our new teacher at all. Tomorrow I'm going to try to get us an interpreter."

9. A lecture entitled "Real-life experiences of interpreters being flirted at by their Deaf consumers."

10. "I don't understand you! I got an interpreter right away for the oral examination."

11. "Idiots! How are we supposed to use [the emergency phone] without a TTY or FAX?"

12. "Peter, don't stare at them signing. They aren't any more handicapped than you are, my baby!"

13. I have to call back! Many curious people! Nerds! Catch you later, your Peter.

14. "Robin Hood, let's attack the Falkenstein Castle and give the gold to the Deaf. They want to build a new Deaf Center."

15. "Hey, what kind of fingerspelling is that?"

16. Sign on the wall: "A warm welcome to the Deaf League meeting." Man at right: "Excuse me, where should I set up to play?"

17. "Excuse me, teacher, do you mind that my son has an interpreter with him today?

18. Man at right: "Look here, you deaf-mute, you maintain that I am guilty of our traffic accident and now I've brought three of the best lawyers..."
Man at left: "And I've brought three of the best interpreters..."

19. "Help, I need an interpreter for Hearing people!!!"

20. Woman: "So, you flashy bird, can you also speak?"
Bird: "So you old crow, can you also sign?"

21. "On account of poor speech? Are you aware that you can't sign a blessed thing, teacher?"

22. What's a pretty interpreter to do, when she steals the show from a top-level politician?

23. "I have the feeling you didn't tatoo out what I asked for: DEAF POWER." [Webmaster: DAF is a brandname for a line of trucks. The drawing between DEAF and POWER is the German sign for SIGN.]

24. "Hey, you there, anesthetist, I can't make out what's on the [surgery] screen. Could you change it to Videotext 150? [Webmaster: Videotext 150 reports the weather, news, sports, and so on, in text and is popular with the German Deaf.]

25. "This person is Deaf and signs extremely rapidly."

26. Book titled "How can I learn Sign Language?"

27. Sign in the ENT's office says, "Learn Sign Language!" The mother turns to her child and says, "No!"

28. "Hello, neighbor. Look what I have: my first hearing dog."

29. Doctor: "Hello, little one! I am Klaus Ohrlein, your HNO (ear, nose, and throat) doctor." Child thinks to himself: "HNO? Hirnlos (brainless), naselanger (nosey) Ohrlutscher (earsucker)!" [Webmaster: The doctor's name, Ohrlein, means "little ear".]

30. "If you have a problem, FAX me, don't call me!"

31. Girl on left: "Look! I have a new Barbie!", Girl on right: "Me too! And mine can sign!"

32. "Here is your interpreter for tonight's lecture on our firm's Eldercare program."

33. It was a mistake to hire a SEE interpreter for a boring evening lecture.

34. "No, my child isn't adopted! My husband performs in Sign Language."

35. "Look, your friends are sending you their regards on your birthday, but they are doing it by FAX." 36. [Webmaster: To understand this joke, you need to know that the German word "Taube", which means "dove", also was the old word for "deaf-mute".] Bird in the center to the flock: "Hey, over there, another Taube!"

37. Man on left: "Finally! Thank God! I'm not alone!"
Deaf woman at right thinks to herself, "What a pain! I get a Hearing person, when I really need an interpreter right now."

38. [Webmaster: Notice the woman is tipping her hearing aid.] How polite!

39. "You want me to lipread you? Kindly shave off that beard!"

40. Father: "Pronunciation - D. Speech - E. German - E. With a report card like this, I should get my paddle!"
Son: "Understandable, papa! My teacher lives just around the corner!"

41. Fish staring at man: "Is he mute like me?"
Man staring at fish: "Is he deaf like me?"

42. "Look here, my wife likes to amuse herself with Deaf people and asked me what Deaf people have over you."

43. Is Sign Language more melodious than music?

44. "If your Hearing wife can't sign, don't divorce her. Live with us and keep your wife as a hobby."

45. "Oh boy! It's just as I feared. You have no hearing, just a hole."

46. Bag at the newlyweds feet reads, "Good luck to the mixed hearing-deaf couple." Bride says to groom, "I'm sure you have no objections if I ask your interpreter to stay with us for our first night together. - To avoid misunderstandings."

47. Man at left has a t-shirt that reads, "I love German Sign Language." Man at right has a t-shirt that reads, "I love spoken language." Man on the right says, "You like Sign Language? Maybe we should learn each other's languages."

48. Newspaper is entitled "German Deaf News" and little fingerspelled letters are fallilng out of it.

49. "I don't have any suitable position for you. Maybe you would be intrested in learning Sign Language? The Senior Center for the Deaf is looking for an aide."

50. Person at left: "You idiot! Why did you speed into this tree?"
Person at right: "No, I just wanted to see if your seat belt was okay. It's very important!" [Webmaster: The driver is holding up two fingers of each hand because that is the sign for WICHTIG (IMPORTANT).]

51. Man at left, speaking through the interpreter in the middle: "Tell my employee that we are trying to cut costs and from now on she should clean after herself and make coffee. That way we can let two other employees go." Interpreter in the middle: "Sure thing..."
Deaf woman at right: "But the manager should also learn Sign Language and then we can cut our interpreting costs." [Webmaster: The interpreter in the middle panel is signing JA (yes) and the Deaf woman in the last panel is signing GEBAERDEN (TO-SIGN).]

52. A: "Hi, I got an interesting job today. Can you guess what it is?"
B: "Operating an appendix without assistance?"
A: "No!"
B: "Biting off the heads of gummi bears?"
A: "Very amusing! No!"
B: "Passing drivers that are going the wrong way?"
A: "Oh, no!"
B: "Forgetting wedding days?"
A: "You jester! No!"
B: "Camping at the North Pole?"
A: "Just stop it, no!"
B: "Masking attack dogs?"
A: "NO!"
B: "All right then, spit it out. What's your new job?"
A: "Sign Language instructor."

53. Title at top of "page: Which language is silent? Answer: Sign Language! Here's an example:" Sign in library: "Quiet, please!"

54. Man at left: "Don't throw them out! Say it with flowers!"
Man at right: "No! Sign it with flowers!"

55. Panel 1: "Wow! A greeting card for my birthday from my current students! How unusual!"
Panel 2: "I must hurry and unwrap it to see what they sent me."
Panel 3: (The book is entitled, "Learn Sign Language.") "Oh, a damn book!"

56. A: "Don't be stupid. Get lost!" B: "Excuse me, but my wife has our car keys and I need them." [Webmaster: Man on right signs ENTSHULDIGUNG (excuse me) in panel 3 and BRAUCHEN (NEED) in panel 4.]

57. At the unemployment office. A: "What's your profession?"
B: "Deafmute instructor!"
A: "Really? But there aren't any deafmutes anymore!"
B: "Exactly. That's why I'm unemployed."

58. Sign on wall reads "Psychiatric and Psychotheapeutic Clinic."
Panel 1 - Psychiatrist: "Good day, you three! Could I ask you something, how much is two times two?"
Patient 1: "Three thousand!"

Panel 2 - Psychiatrist: "Great, and you, how much is two times two?"
Patient 2: "Deaf!"

Panel 3 - Psychiatrist: "Deaf? Good, and now you. How much is two times two?"
Patient 3: "Four!"

Panel 4 - Psychiatrist: "Excellent! Could you explain to me how you got four?"
Patient 3: "It was simple. I divided 'three thousand' by 'deaf'."

59. Same as 57.

60. "Jesus, please don't heal me. I'd rather stay deaf and teach you Sign Language."

61. Man at left: "Is your Sign Language collection complete yet?"
Man at right: "Almost, we just don't have a book on Antarctic Sign Language."

62. "A penalty [red card] for stalling? I can't hear your whistle. You have to tap me on the shoulder!"

63. Speech therapy: "Lisa, say 'A'. GOOD! and say 'E'. Great! and say 'I'. Excellent! and say 'O'. Fabulous! and say 'U' and 'Y'."

64. Man: Good day, i've lost my hearing aid."
Woman: "Fine, we have several. What does your hearing aid look like? Shape? Color? Brand?"
Man: Oh, that doesn't matter, as long as it works."

65. "All these Sign Language lessons should be destroyed, but let me make some copies first."

66. "You can't hear squat, you deafie. If you want to learn Sign Language, you'll have to wait one million years until Gertrud Mally, the first instructor, is born."

67. "You can blame my weight on my heavy Cochlear Implant."

68. "Let me know if it isn't loud enough."

69. No caption.

70. "Doctor, please help me undo my arms. I had a big argument in Sign Language with my husband."

71. No caption.

72. Caption on building: "Crash course in Sign Language." Student leaving building: "Now I'm an interpreter!"

73. Monk on right: "Communicating in sign language was a wonderful discory. It's silent and no one can listen in!" Monk around the corner: "I wish I could learn this secret language..."

74. Sign reads: "Sign language registration." Student: "I was here first!"

75. "Hi Miss Interpreter! Great! Please tell my boss I need to go the john [bathroom]!"

76. "You're deaf? No problem! We have very functional aids with recognized brandnames."

77. God: "I wish I were as popular as Ulrich Hase! Sign Language has such potential! "[Webmaster: Dr. Ulrich Hase is an attorney and pedagogue for Deaf people.]

78. You have measles! Go infect your speech teacher!

79. A: "Does your interpreter have to follow you around everywhere, even to bathroom?"
B: "Absolutely, she had a big heart and loves to help."

80. "I can't do anything about your deafness! It's just hereditary! Okay then, I'll be sending your Daddy a bill."

81. Panel 1 - B: "Is it true that you can't hear?"

Panel 2 - A: "Right, I'm deaf."
B: "How sad."

Panel 3 - A: "Why do you say sad?"
B: "Because you can't hear the music that's playing."

Panel 4: "Humbug! I don't need to hear music! I make music when I sign!"

82. It would be better if they had the interpreter in a bubble.

83. "Gentlemen, our conference room is completely flooded. So we will have to spend the day here using Sign Language."

84. "Dear participants! It is high time that we buckle down and learn Sign Language."

85. Super! Their friend will wake up and wonder why she has an I-love-you symbol on her back!

86. "Hey, my friend, you left the Sign Language book you use to teach my wife at our house."

87. "That's the one that insulted me so badly. He said my signing is an ape language."

88. A: "Shoot, alphabet soup again!"
B: "Well I have fingerspelling soup!"

89. "Yes, my hearing dog is very loyal! I've sold him foour times and he keeps coming back to me!"

90. Man at left: "I thought i couldn't join the army, because I'm deaf."
Man at right: "On the contrary, you are welcome to join us! We think of Sign Language as a modern communication system."

91. No caption. [Webmaster: The woman on the right is blowing a smokering in the shape of the German sign for GEBAERDEN (SIGN-LANGUAGE).

92. Sign reads: "Begging for hearing aid."

93. "Hello, can I live with you guys? The police would never think to look here." Sign on left reads, "Poorhouse for the deaf." Sign on right reads, "Wanted! Osama bin Laden."

94. Panel 1 - A: "Can you hear this sound?"
B: "What sound?"

Panel 2 - A: "The one coming from the loudspeaker."
B: "Where is there a loudspeaker?"

Panel 3 - "You know, I think we should forget about a hearing aid and write a prescription for an interpreter!"

95. One mosquito to the other: "No! Not them! or your children will start signing!"

96. "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the prettiest oralist of them all?" Sign on wal reads, "Speech therapist".

97. "Your hearing is getting worse as you grow older! Do you really want a Cochlear Implant? No, a Sign Language textbook would be cheaper!"

98. Book entitled "Sign Lnaguage textbook."

99. Wife: "Darling, how was the Sign Language festival yesterday? Did you win the competition? Or have you recovered?"
Husband: Why do you ask?"
Wife: "Well, your fingers look pale."

100. A: "Hey, you bum! Look at this, my Sign Language book is torn!"
B: "Yeah, but look, good sir, at how strong our Sign Language is now."