Humor and stories for interpreters: Your ass-essment is on the line

David Bar-Tzur

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A detective examining evidence with a magnifying glass

Illuminated letter Nice business, this "national certification" idea. It seems all you have to do is have "American" or "National" in the name of the organization, and you're in business.

It seems the time is ripe for YAT: Yet Another Test.

I am pleased to announce that I, er, the Roundtable of the American National Congress for Interpreting at the Deaf (RANCID) am pleased to announce the Web Online Examination of Interpreting Skill in Manual languages and spoken English (WOE-IS:M/E). The exam will take place entirely on the World Wide Web, scored automatically, and printable certificates will be issued immediately upon completion of the test.

The instrument is the soon-to-be-highly-regarded Stanford Test*, and will be managed from a secure server in RANCID's world-wide headquarters in Nariz de Mocos, NM. The security of the server is well-tested, since it is the same rock-steady e-business platform that provides you with some of your favorite pop-unders, mortgage spam, and the World-Famous "Asian Grandmas and Farm Animals" website. Unlike those other so-called "Certifications," we take Paypal, and there's a 1-900 number you can call which will charge USD 50 to your phone bill (US and Canada only).

For another USD 100 and documentation of life experience credits, we can also provide a Masters of Arts in Interpreting Sciences (MAIS). We are fully accredited under the California Association of College Accreditors (CACA).

Annual dues are $25 a year with a digitally signed statement that you are interpreting according to the Golden Rule.

*Not affiliated with Stanford University, the Stanford Family, or any small towns named "Stanford." It is merely the name of the test developer's pet rock. Caveat Emptor.

It has been suggested that there be a special certification for K-12 interpreter called, Persons Authorized Under Proficiency in Educational Resources (PAUPER). I, er, the Board of Directors will take that under advisement. We are, after all, highly qualified, since we have all been through the school system. Mostly.

More information on WOE-IS:M/E. You do get a level assigned.

The RANCID Level System:

I Ova Knows the Alphabet. Can say, "I just love's so graceful!"
II Larva Knows the first few chapters in the ABC book. They think it's cute to talk ASL They.
III Pupa Deaf people are aware that these folks are actually signing.
IV Adult Can sign fast. Knows when other people are signing back.
V God Can sign real fast. Is supremely confident.

Remember, no one but us actually knows what these levels mean. The key words are "Nationally Certified." Make sure you put them front-and-center on your business cards.

Remember: if it isn't RANCID, you're paying too much.

Illuminated letter Assessing interpreter performance

FLEXIBILITY Leaps tall buildings with a single bound Leaps tall buildings with a running start Can leap short buildings if prodded Bumps into buildings Cannot recognize buildings
TIMELINESS TO ASSIGNMENT Is faster than a speeding bullet Is as fast as a speeding bullet Would you believe a slow bullet? Misfires frequently Wounds self when handling guns
ADHERENCE TO CODE OF ETHICS Is stronger than a locomotive Is as strong as a bull elephant Stronger than a bull Shoots the bull Smells like a bull
ATTITUDE TOWARDS DEAF PEOPLE Walks on water Keeps head above water under stress Washes with water Drinks water without spilling Passes water in emergencies
LANGUAGE PROFICIENCY Signs with God Signs with angels Signs to self Argues with self Loses arguments with self

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